Diputsville--Ep2:Sakuya Is Paper
by Dude Jupiter
Summary: Hey all, please don't kill me. This is the second episode of this stupid series. Join Tenchi as he gets himself a body. Bwa ha ha ha! Umm, yeah. Have phun.


DISCLAIMER: Oh, joy of joys! Guess what?! I bet you would never have guessed, had I not told   
you... I DON'T OWN TENCHI!!! MIRACULOUS, HUH?! Yes, I do believe in miracles, and you   
should too! I don't own Tenchi!   
NOTE: Have a good day, unless you don't want to have a good day, and then I would wish you a   
perfectly terrible day. So, have a whatever day!   
  
  
DIPUTSVILLE   
by Dude Jupiter   
  
  
EPISODE 2: SAKUYA IS PAPER   
by Dude Jupiter   
  
  
  
***Hey friends! Hey enemies! Hey all! In the last episode, the gang encountered a slight setback   
in their everyday lives; they were all murdered! Fortunately, their spirits arose (as it was Halloween   
night) and now they live happily in the Masaki house again! Sure, they might be ghosts, but they   
seem real enough... So no one is none the wiser. That's where we pick up today! Isn't that just   
amazing?! Yeah, whatever. Let's get this baby rollin'.***   
  
Tenchi felt much better.   
All this time, he had kept it all inside, kept it to himself. It had hurt so badly. The pain had   
been overwhelming, but he had kept it to himself until now.   
He had been afraid to let it all out. He had been afraid that others would laugh. He had been   
afraid he would be avoided if he let any of this pain out.   
Finally, however, he had gathered the courage. He had let every bit of it out.   
Now he was relieved. He felt so much better. Having shared his pain, his load was   
lightened. He smiled in relief and pulled the flusher. (hehe, ummm, no, he didn't have any   
psychological problems, he just had to go the the bathroom for Pete's sake)   
Tenchi walked over to the door and opened it. He looked down just before he stepped out   
and saw two dead squirrels laying side-by-side, embracing each other in their bloody deaths.   
Tenchi sighed. Sasami had a habbit of leaving little "surprises" around the house. Just this   
morning Tenchi had awakened to find a bloody cat spread out all over his room, like some   
grotesque carpet.   
Tenchi looked down at the squirrels and realized that this ghost business really wasn't doing   
any of them good. They needed bodies, for Pete's sake. But just how did you infest bodies?   
It had been nearly a month since they had all died. They were all growing more grouchy   
every day. Their patience became thinner and thinner. Overall, they were each becoming more   
and more evil every day. That was caused by the lack of a body. They needed bodies.   
But how to get a body...?   
Tenchi gasped as realization struck him. Of COURSE!   
*************************************   
Sakuya smiled happily as she absentmindedly (how else could her state of mind be??)   
poked her fork at a little container full of noodles. Ohhh, how she loved noodles! In some small   
way, noodles reminded her of Tenchi... Yes, she was almost sure that these noodles resembled   
Tenchi's hair (she had burned them to a charred black, you see). And *oh* how she loved Tenchi!   
She smiled, glancing at the charred remains of the food she had cooked. Yes, someday   
Tenchi would love her, too. Someday he'd come over to her house and he would confess to her   
that he loved her. She knew it! She knew that Tenchi was secretly in love with her... she just knew   
it!   
She glanced up from her food and out the window, smiling. She heard some small noise   
behind her. She turned. It was...   
"TENCHI!" she squeeled. "Tenchi! It's YOU!"   
"Yeah, not in the flesh, babe," Tenchi laughed.   
At this point, any normal human would have whipped out their machine guns. Something   
in Tenchi's laugh just didn't add up. Sakuya, however, had seen the laugh as some sort of   
attraction. She smiled at him. *He called me BABE!* her mind screamed at her.   
"Tenchi...! Tenchi!" Sakuya said, unsure of what to say.   
Tenchi's hand moved from behind his back. Sakuya saw some sort of glint of metal. There   
was a swinging motion of Tenchi's hand. A moment of shock, and then the realization of a   
stinging pain just below her jaw, from ear to ear.   
She looked back down to her noodles, and was completely astounded by the fact that her   
brown table had suddenly become red. She looked back up to Tenchi. Everything was growing   
darker and darker.   
Sakuya giggled happily, but her giggle sounded somewhat different. Then she closed her   
eyes and pitched forward onto the table.   
No one thought anything about the man walking out of the house with a filled trash sack.   
Perhaps they might have thought something was wrong when the man pitched the sack into his   
trunk, but no one really saw it. Plus, if they had known who had lived in the house the man   
walked out of, no one would have really cared, even if they had had their suspicions. They would   
have been glad to have had their neighbourhood "trash" taken out.   
They would have thought nothing of the car peeling out of the driveway and blasting down   
the street, until it left sight.   
*************************************   
"So what's your plan?" Nobayuki asked Tenchi.   
"Ever heard of a paper mache?" Tenchi replied, as he threw the large, sturdy trash sack onto   
the table.   
"Yes," Nobayuki replied. "But how will that help us get bodies?"   
"Here's my idea," Tenchi said. "To make a paper mache you rip up paper, soak it in water   
so it all mixes together, then mix it with paste and mold the paper mache. So, my idea uses the   
human body as the paper."   
"Wow!" Nobayuki responded. "Amazing. But... I think Washu could have just built a   
machine to build a human body...You know, it would only take..."   
"It's more *interesting* this way!" Tenchi laughed. He dumped the dead girl's body out   
onto the table. "Say, dad, could you grab me a knife?"   
"Sure, son!" Nobayuki said cheerily. He grabbed a huge knife and passed it to his son.   
Tenchi caught it.   
Tenchi began to work. After Sakuya was in about six thousand different pieces, Tenchi   
brought out a huge container and filled it with water. He dumped all of Sakuya's pieces into the   
water.   
"Now, human skin breaks down slower than paper... So we'll have to speed up the process.   
Let me look in Sasami's cooking supplies to see if she has any spare sulpheric acid."   
Sure enough, there was. Tenchi poured a whole bunch into the container and watched as   
Sakuya's thousands of pieces began to dissintegrate. He was sure that by morning Sakuya's body   
would be completely melted down. Then he'd be able to begin molding his new body.   
Suddenly, everyone head the cry.   
"AAAAAA! WHO RUINED MY COLORING BOOK?!"   
Instantly, the same thought crossed father and son's brain. Sasami. But no... that voice   
sounded much more masculine... Much older... Much... Stupider...   
They both walked into the TV room, and even though they were ghosts, they both about   
passed out.   
Katsuhito sat cross-legged on the floor, wearing nothing but adult-sized diapers and a   
Burger King crown on his head. In his lap was a ripped-up coloring book, and to his right was a   
box of 32 Crayola's.   
Katsuhito turned his sad, breaking face to Nobayuki and Tenchi. Katsuhito bit his lip,   
which was trembling. One tear spilled out of his right eye, then his left. Then he gave up the battle   
and began to weep.   
The old man threw himself to the floor and began pounding it with his fists as he screamed   
and wailed. Between sobs, he muttered, "Pink... monkey... me wanta'ed to... cower... pink...   
monkey!!!"   
"Poor Grandpa," Tenchi muttered. "All he wanted to do in death was color a pink monkey,   
but someone ruined that for him... Gramps? Who ruined your book?"   
"Sasami did!" Katsuhito pouted. "Little brat girl. Noh-ba-ooki? Dada get Sasami in trouble?"   
"Sure," Nobayuki laughed. "Sasami will be punished. SASAMIIIIIIIII!"   
Sasami came skipping in carrying the neighbour's cat (minus its head). "Yes, Nobayuki?"   
"Did you rip up Katsuhito's coloring book?"   
"No, sir!" Sasami said, smiling, as she absently ripped one of the cat's legs off and shoved it   
in her mouth.   
"And why are you eating the neighbour's cat raw? How many times have I told you not to   
do that?"   
A look of concentration crossed Sasami's face a moment before she replied, "Twenty two   
times. Why?"   
"Oh, never mind, Sasami, about the cat. What I'm mad about," Nobayuki said. "Is that you   
would do something so mean to Katsuhito. Why did you do it?"   
"Because, I wanted to," Sasami replied. "Who cares? Katsuhito's a baby. Let the moron cry   
himself to sleep."   
"SASAMI! HOW DARE YOU!" Nobayuki screamed. "For that, you shall be punished. You   
know what your punishment is?"   
"No," Sasami replied. "What? Lock me up in the sewers for a thousand years? Ground me   
from killing squirrels? What?"   
Nobayuki stuck out his hands and formed the Light Hawk Sword (okay, let's get this   
straight right here and now -- YES, Nobayuki has access to Juraian powers! This is MY story, not   
yours, so bug off! Oh, and, there's a reason he can, anyhow, just keep reading) and charged at   
Sasami. With one swift swing Nobayuki sliced little Sasami's spiritual head right off her spiritual   
shoulders. The head flew up and hit the roof, bounced off it, and crashed out the window. The   
head rolled across the Masaki lawn until it splashed into that big lake outside their house. Sasami's   
ghost-body simply fell where it was, unmoving.   
"Death within death," Nobayuki laughed. "That's your punishment. I take your life within   
death to give you, within death, death within death, which is life within death that is within death!   
Or, wait... uh... is it.. life.. in... within death that's in life or death that's also life-death within... ah,   
stink on it. I KILL YOU SASAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Katsuhito smiled, wiping away the tears. "Ha, ha," he said to Sasami's dead body.   
The ghost body of Sasami did not move.   
*************************************   
  
  
  
Hello. I am Dude Jupiter. I hope you are having a nice day. I also hope that meteorites are   
crashing into your house. Putting aside formalities, I would like to say that you are, indeed, the   
winner of one glass of cold water all over your head. At this point (please, really do it) go and fill   
up a large container full of water and put in it all the ice cubes you can find. Pour the water over   
your head. Really do it. You have won it; you deserve it. Thank you.   
  
*************************************   
Tenchi bounced happily up to his room and got some Static-X jamming on his stereo. He jumped into his bed and drifted to sleep, happy that all the metal was invading his ears   
and brain and that soon he would have nightmares of metallic skeletons singing on stage (man,   
have you ever seen that Static-X music video? That just plain RULED! Sorry, I'm an idiot :p)   
The night passed with many a happy nightmare (yes, metallic skeletons and all that). He   
awoke and the supercharged sound of death metal and black metal was still invading his mind.   
Tenchi awoke, shaking the nightmares from his head. He jumped   
out of bed, suddenly realizing that by now Sakuya must be completely dissolved! He ran   
downstairs and peered into the huge container. Sure enough, there was a Sakuya-slush in the   
container.   
Tenchi made some paste and began molding his new body. He worked all day, paying no   
attention to anything else but his new body (but of COURSE he paid attention to his two favorite   
girls, Ryoko and Washu.) (Of COURSE)   
By nightfall Tenchi had his new body. It didn't look anything like Sakuya. It looked exactly   
like Tenchi. It was perfect! No one would have guessed that Tenchi had died! Yaya!   
Tenchi walked happily into his new body. It fit like a glove (or, more accurately, it fit like a   
body)! He was so happy with himself! He moved his arms and legs. They worked perfectly. All   
the nerves and other junk worked, too. He smiled in happiness.   
Marvelous, he thought. Now I have a body!   
Tenchi walked his body up to his room and closed the door. Then he stepped out of his   
body and hung it up in his closet. He went to bed a happy man.   
He had another great night of wonderful nightmares (this time it was filled with killer 1.44   
MB floppy disks, all trying to kill him).   
He awoke the next morning to a horrid surprise: his body was gone! Ohhhhh NOOOO!   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" Tenchi screamed. "WHERE'S MY BODY?!   
WHERE'S MY BODY?! SOMEONE STOLE MY BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
(Oh, man, I forgot to explain why Nobayuki could activate the Light Hawk Sword... Yes, I   
only now realized that. Some time to interject the thought, huh? Well, I'm sure I'll include the facts   
in some later story. As for now, let's get back to Tenchi.)   
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tenchi screamed as the camera men turned their   
cameras back to him.   
Tenchi searched around in his closet frantically. Maybe the body had fallen off the coat   
hangers in the night...? Was it under the box? Behind the box? Under the land mine? Around the...   
NO! IT WAS NO WHERE IN SIGHT!   
Tenchi ran downstairs (almost tripping on Katsuhito, who lay on the steps sucking his   
thumb) and found everyone at breakfast, eating ghost food.   
"WHO STOLE MY BODY?!" he cried.   
"I don't know," everyone responded in unison. They returned their attention back to their   
food.   
Tenchi ran into the TV room. Now, what was different? Oh, of course, Sasami's dead ghost   
was nowhere to be seen. So, the only logical conclusion would be that Sasami stole his body.   
(Well, naturally it would be Sasami. Duhhh! Who else? Who else is evil, terrible,   
sickeningly gruesome... Whoa! I better stop before I majorly tick off Sasami fans! Hehe! Don't   
worry, peop's... I'm only implying that Sasami is so baaaad and terrible and evil after she has died.   
In real life she's ok. ok? ok. ok! now time to move on. ok? ok!)   
"Sasami!" Tenchi called out as he opened the door to the house. "SASAMI!!! ARE YOU   
OUT THERE?!"   
"NO!"   
"GET OVER HERE!"   
"I SAID I'M NOT STINKING HERE!"   
Tenchi thought about that for a moment. What does logic say? Oh, duh! She hasta be out   
there!!!! Amazing logic! Tenchi deserves a cookie. (**TENCHI TAKES A COOKIE, INSERTS IT   
INTO HIS MOUTH, AND BEGINS TO MASTICATE (MEANING TO CHEW, FOR THOSE OF   
YOU WHO DON'T KNOW). NEXT HE CONTRACTS HIS NECK MUSCLES IN A SERIES OF   
MOVEMENTS THAT CAUSES THE FOOD BITS TO MOVE FROM HIS MOUTH TO HIS   
STOMACH, WHERE THE DIGESTIVE PROCESSES BEGIN. TENCHI HAS EATEN A   
COOKIE.**) (By the way, did anyone know that Tenchi had Barney the Detective video tapes   
under his bed?! It's TRUE! :p)   
Well, Tenchi thought to himself. There's only one way to catch psycho-terrorists who steal   
your body. DUH! MAIL THEM ANTHRAX! YAYA!   
Tenchi ran inside and wrote Sasami a brief letter.   
  
Dear Sasami:   
Have fun! I've mailed you this "sugar". I don't know what you do with it... But eat it. Okay? It's   
really anthrax... oops, I mean, it's just sugar. Eat it. It will make you h-a-p-p-y.   
Unlove,   
Tenchi   
  
Tenchi got out some anthrax from Sasami's cooking supplies (Sasami had a vast array of   
cooking supplies, as you may have gathered) and slipped a whole bunch into the envelope. He   
sealed the envelope and tied a rock to it (so he could throw it).   
Tenchi stepped outside the house and threw the letter to Sasami. She caught it. Tenchi   
watched as she opened it and read the letter. He watched as she ingested the anthrax. Immediately   
she was siezed in convulsions, before collapsing on the ground.   
Tenchi ran over to Sasami, who lay still on the ground. Sure enough, lying next to her on   
the ground was Tenchi's body.   
Tenchi, thankful to have his body back, slipped into it with a sigh, like a naked man sighs   
as he slips into his clothes after having run downtown naked. He made sure everything fit (the   
night before part of his ghost pinkie finger on his left hand hadn't really fit to well on his body's   
left pinkie finger), and it did. He smiled.   
Sasami lay on the ground, unmoving. She was glowing a greenish color, and her death-   
within-death body was covered with red spots. Her hand fell off the wrist, and a rusty-looking   
powder blew out of her veins.   
"Whoa!" Tenchi shouted. "Anthrax evaporates your blood and turns it into a powder?!"   
Suddenly, a wonderful thought hit Tenchi's brain -- but that's a story for another stupid episode.   
*************************************   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" came the tortured scream.   
Sasami was on the rack. Slowly but surely the bar her hands were attached to was rising,   
inch by precious inch. Every minute or so the bar would go up another half inch, and this would   
be followed with horrid screams of pain and rage.   
Once again the group found themselves gathered around a small fire, roasting mashmallows   
while one of them was dying a horrid death. First it had been Nobayuki; now it was Sasami's   
spirit's spirit. (hehe, this is stupid, i know)   
After a few hours, Sasami finally gave up the third ghost. Her spirit's spirit had split into two   
pieces on the rack, leaving a bloodless body on it. Sasami's spirit's spirit's spirit appeared with the   
group by the fire. "Ah," she sighed. "It's so good to be dead within a death that's dead within a   
death. Really, you guys should try it sometime!"   
The group laughed. Ryoko got up and threw Sasami's spirit's spirit into the fire. It burned to   
ashes, which flew up into the sky like little fireflies. These little ashes flew far up into the   
atmosphere, moved around in jet streams, and finally landed in the US where a small family was   
enjoying a picnic. One of the little ashes landed in a little kid's drink (his name was Johnny). Little   
Johnny got really sick that day and puked a lot.   
But, in Japan, all were happy.   
Ayeka held her stomach in pain, moving horridly close to the fire.   
"What's wrong, Ayeka?" Washu asked.   
Ayeka made a sick face and replied, "Nothing." Then her cheeks puffed up, and she puked   
into the fire. The puke put out the fire.   
  
THE END   
  
  
Well, who says a story can't have a beautiful ending? My... I fantasize about Ayeka puking into a   
fire all day, I must confess... OOPS! Did I say that out loud? I suppose I did. Oh well.   
  
Ok! This section of the story is known as the Author's Notes. It is a collection of stupid words   
which are simply the babbling on of the author, even after the story has ended. Really, you won't   
find anything significant in the Author's Notes; it's simply a short, brief "getting-to-know-the-   
Author" type thing. So skip it, by all means.   
  
I must say this, first of all: HEHE! I'm sorry for all the people that read DHS (Die Hard, Sakuya!)   
and believed the story of my "little sister". HEHE! Sorry... I don't know WHERE that came from, I   
just thought it would be kind of funny.   
  
Well... It's been another successful episode of DIPUTSVILLE. Actually, I'm not sure if "success" is   
the right word... Let's try "complete failure of everything I've learned". Yeah... That has a ring to it,   
ya know? Ok.   
  
Let's see... Yes, my stupidity is stupid... I just hope you enjoy all this junk I'm making you read.   
You probably aren't, because all of my writing is stupid! I'll never amount to anything, I know.   
But that's ok!   
  
AND IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF DIPUTSVILLE !! Tenchi, in this episode, has been   
struck by a wonderful piece of knowledge -- anthrax doesn't do any of that stuff they tell you on   
TV or whatever (they're all liars)... In reality, it EVAPORATES YOUR BLOOD INTO A RED   
POWDER!!!!!! WHAT in the WORLD will Tenchi be able to do with THAT kind of knowledge?!   
FIND OUT!!!!! OR JUST SKIP THE NEXT FIC ALTOGETHER AND SAVE YOURSELF DAYS   
OF STORY INDIGESTION!   
  
(And for those of you who have been wondering why I haven't been submitting stories on   
FanFiction.Net... Ya know, not to imply that I have any fans (quite the contraire, probably just   
about everyone hates me)... I've commited the sin of all sins for comedy writers... I started writing   
poetry! :o Yes... I'm sorry... It's true... Oh, and by the way, a fic somewhat like Fire Upon   
Emeralds may be coming out sometime in the near future... let me know what you think. :) cyall) 


End file.
